And really, just stop saying “should” to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can’t change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn’t productive. Focus on moving forward.
When a friend stops by just simply because. A friend whom you’d nearly given up on. Who pisses you off at every turn, but at the same time is the one you confide everything in. Who you’ve always confided everything with. The one who doesn’t text or call for weeks, but then hangs out with you and you talk for hours upon hours. Laughing, nearly crying, and being brutally honest with.
We have quite a plutonic relationship… and it’s quite unique… but it continues to mean a lot to me. Even when we have our ‘bad’ times. The good always makes up for it and exceeds it. Our friendship has always, always been through the good and the bad. Almost 11 years now and still going strong. The dynamic of it has changed, but the foundation is still there.
Tonight I felt like we were back to the friends we were in HS. I finally felt like myself around him. The goofy, laid back, incredibly insecure girl that he knows everything about. Something I haven’t felt around him in a while. I haven’t felt like I could ‘let loose’ so-to-speak in a long time. I always felt like I had to impress. Like I had something to prove. But tonight he showed up, I was in my sweats, hair a mess, drowsy, but I didn’t care. I was just able to be me. And he didn’t care. He laid on one couch, I laid on the other. And we talked for hours. About the past, present, and future.
He’s a good guy. He’s sincere. He cares about me. Yes, he’s also an asshole. I’ll be the first to admit. I call him one all the time. But he’s my asshole of a friend and will continue to be.